ChildWild » humor

Strange Notes

Sierra — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 04:21:11 +0000

We’ve entered the territory of strange writing from Rio. She’s learned to read like anything. Tonight at bedtime she read aloud an entire book about the life of Harriet Tubman without missing a beat. Big book! Big ideas! Big girl. I remember when she was a tiny baby who curled in my arms like a kitten and couldn’t even listen to a story. Now she can read to me and she’s reading to me about slavery and struggle. We talked about the Underground Railroad.

Then I put her to bed.

Later, I saw this: a box of pierogies with “They are not in here. Love, Rio” written on it in red sharpie. The weird part is, the box is full of pierogies. What does it mean? Does “they” refer to something else? Were the pierogies temporarily removed from the box? Is she trying to fool us so we won’t eat them? Is this what my life is going to be like now that the child has learned to read and write?

Pirate Santa

Sierra — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 17:38:32 +0000

Rio: Wouldn’t it be cool if Santa was a pirate? And he lived on a pirate ship and sailed through the air and threw all the presents off it?

Me: Yeah! The reindeer could be his crew. Rudolph could wear an eyepatch and have a wooden leg.

Rio (to the tune of Frosty the Snowman):

Santa the pirate,

Had a jolly happy crew,

With a pirate ship and a crew with deer

and a ho ho ho ho

…

This went on for several verses of awesomeness. She wants there to be a Facebook video meme of pirate Santa. Someone can make that happen, right? Pirate Santa! ARRR! Ho ho ho, mateys!

The Zebra and the Train: A Tale of Two Costumes

Sierra — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 06:22:58 +0000

Serena is going as a train for Halloween

A week or so ago, Serena announced she wanted to be a zebra for Halloween. I smiled, nodded, thought she’d make a cute zebra, and promptly forgot about it.

Until tonight, after dinner, when she smiled sweetly at me and said, “Mommy! Tonight while I am sleeping, I want you to sew a zebra costume for me! Or a giraffe costume! Or a train, like Greta. Or a zebra.”

Um, sure. I’ll get right on that. With my mad sewing skills. And all this zebra-print material I don’t happen to have lying around the house.

Actually I forgot about it again ten minutes later and went about my evening. That’s how being the ADHD mama I am rolls.

A few hours later:

“Oh FUCK! Serena needs a Zebra costume!” I wasn’t even home then, so I turned to my host and said, “I need to make a zebra costume out of things I find in your house.”

‘Cause I’m classy like that. He’s a sweetie, though, and always willing to help. Together we started ransacking the house in search of zebra parts.

“I think I could use some black yarn,” I said. “And a white bag. Or an old T-shirt. And a sharpie.”

He rummaged through a closet, and a bin of old clothes, and came up with some stuff. The haul:

A cowboy hat
A pair of 3D glasses
Fairy wings

Me: Have you ever seen a zebra?

Things got desperate. I got ready to head home. Even though it meant interrupting his jam session, I texted Martin.

We had this text exchange:

Me: Dude! Serena needs a zebra costume.

Him: She switched to train (like Greta). I am almost done.

I have no idea who Greta is, but I love her and her crazy choo-choo Halloween costume. Almost as much as I love the man who skipped guitar practice tonight to build this monstrosity.

Take that, Disney. My daughter is going to be a train for Halloween. Not a princess, or a fairy, or a mermaid, or a ballerina. Not even a zebra with a cowboy hat and fairy wings. A train. Because she has the Best. Daddy. Ever.

Playing With Fire

Sierra — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 19:05:04 +0000

So I’m hanging out in the woods with my kids, my girlfriend Molly and her daughter Natalie.

The other day I’m chilling out on the porch while the kids play in the woods next to the house. Natalie comes up to me with a leaf stuck on the end of the stick.

“Can you light this on fire for me?”

“Sure,” I say cheerfully. I hold my hand out and pantomime striking a match, making whooshy flame sounds as I touch the end of the leaf.

Natalie looks crushed.

“No,” she says. “I meant for real. Light it on fire for real.”

“What do you think would happen if I did that?”

She looks thoughtful.

“It would be a candle?” she asks.

“I think it would burn up that leaf very fast, and then the stick would catch fire and it might burn you, and you would drop it and all these pine needles and dry leaves on the ground would catch fire and it would make a huge fire that would burn the whole house down.”

Natalie thinks about this for a moment, and then flashes her best puppy-dog eyes.

“Can I please have one chance?”

Some Imaginary Friends are Stinky

Sierra — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 18:38:09 +0000

Staggering to the shower this morning, Serena stopped me in the hall outside the bathroom door.

“Kayleigh and Jesi are in there, Mama,” she said.

“Who are Kayleigh and Jesi?”

“Kayleigh is my friend and Jesi is Rio’s friend.”

Rio, from the bedroom, joins the conversation.

“You can go in there if you want, Mama, but…”

Both girls look very serious. I open the door and Serena backs away.

“They fart a lot,” Rio says. “That’s why we locked them in the bathroom.”

Serena chimes in, “Yeah. They fart like this.”

She spreads her legs wide and starts hopping in place, making loud farting sounds.

“They really like to fart. Don’t go close to them. They will fart on you.”

Yeah, thanks for the warning, girls. I’ll be sure to avoid your gassy imaginary friends while I’m showering. I’m so glad you’re still small enough to have imaginary friends, even if they’re stinky.

The “Yes” Man

Sierra — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 03:16:43 +0000

What would you ask your husband, if you knew he’d say yes?

Momlogic just ran an article about a guy who said yes to everything his wife asked of him for a month. That’s a little “toys in the attic” crazy for me, but the idea was cute. My husband and I just turned it into a game, where we each picked three wishes we’d beg of the other one, and then tried to guess what we’d be asked to do.

Here’s my wish list (don’t read this mom, it has SEX in it):

oral sex!
you do all the laundry – including folding it
make me put away my work and play with you at least once a week – play a game/do a craft/see a play – do something that will make us laugh together.

What did he guess? He guessed that I wanted him to stop cooking onions, start leaving the house on time in the morning and do a better job keeping the kids out of my hair when I’m working. Uh, no. Oral sex, honey. I’m telling you, it’s a free pass for a multitude of sins. Including cooking onions in my house.

His wish list for me: let him sleep late in the morning, and stop putting my shoes on the dining table. I would like to state for the record that we do not even have a dining table, and I do not know what he’s talking about.

Something Borrowed

Sierra — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 04:42:27 +0000

A friend of ours often uses a wheelchair, but can also get around on crutches and sometimes on her own two feet (one of which is made from Science!).

This weekend we were camping and another friend injured her knee. She borrowed the chair for a bit. Serena approached her, carrying a sword with another child’s name written prominently on the side.

“Why you rolling?”

“Well, I injured my knee and…”

Points at chair. “That’s Bonnie’s.”

“Yes, well, I borrowed it from her. That sword belongs to another kid. Did you borrow it?”

“Yes. I borrowed it.”

“See? Sometimes we borrow things from our friends.”

“Did you have to punch Bonnie?”

Cookies For Breakfast

Sierra — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 13:38:48 +0000

Last night, Rio had a great plan. Get up early, make cookies, and then sit on the couch together and watch the morning World Cup game.

This plan was executed beautifully. When I came into the kitchen I found Serena all alone, holding a cookie on a spatula, rummaging in a drawer and singing happily to herself.

“This is my cookie.
This cookie for me.
If Daddy sees he might say no.
Don’t see my cookie, Daddy”

This Little Piggy…

Sierra — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 02:27:52 +0000

The girls are playing “this little piggy”. Serena loves this game, like all two-year-olds, and Rio is indulging her in it. A treat.

We’re vegetarians, so when we get to the third little piggy, we always make up something silly for the pig to eat instead of roast beef.

My vegetarian parents always had my little piggies eat chimichangas because we lived in the Southwest and loved Mexican food.

My kids’ piggies eat all kinds of things: ice cream, broccoli, sushi, spaghetti. Whatever pops into my head. Today, Rio got really creative with it.

Rio, wiggling her sister’s toes: This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy ate a little girl named Serena…

Serena: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Piggies no eat little games named Serena! No! No piggy eat me!

Rio: Yes! Nom Nom Nom! Little piggies will eat you all up!

Obi-Wan Serena

Sierra — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 18:47:14 +0000

The scene: Serena has downed half a mango lassi, and is refusing to eat her lunch. Dad is playing keepaway with the other half contingent on her putting at least a little broccoli and tofu in her tummy.

Serena: My mango lassi ready now?

Daddy: I don’t see that food going into your belly.

Serena, picking her princess dress up over her head and pointing at her belly: You see it! You see it!

Daddy: What are you, Obi-wan Kenobi?

Serena: I am Mango Lassi Sereni!

(photo courtesy of the inestimable Sarah)