One of my commenters on the last post asked me what marriage means to me. She had a long interesting story around her question; I recommend reading hers and all the comments on that post.
It’s tempting to be glib and say marriage doesn’t mean much to me: I got married as an expedient way to ensure legal and financial protections for my family. We eloped together; there was no wedding, no vows, no photos. I’d cheerfully vote for the abolition of legal marriage; would love to see the state sever the link between state-sanctioned domestic partnerships and the personal decision to marry.
All of that is true. But I’ve been married for most of my adult life. Over time, our marriage has taken on meaning that wasn’t apparent to me when we began this journey together. Here’s an excerpt from my post about marriage after my husband’s parents’ 50th wedding anniversary:
Marriage is a vessel, he said, and of necessity an imperfect one. It becomes what we make it. It’s the container that holds the love and work and play of a family. A place to pour in our love, but also (though he didn’t say so on stage last night) our fears, our hopes, our small mean edges and our wild, generous hearts. A vessel for all the love and passion and struggle and Stuff we bring into our family, our home, our relationships.
That’s what marriage is to me: the container in which we do the work and play of life. It’s what holds us through the big life decisions and little disputes and moments of wonder.
What does this have to do with being poly? Not a lot. I’m not married to anyone other than Martin, and I don’t imagine I ever will be. I have important relationships with friends and lovers, but no one else shares this specific bond. I’ve seen people expand their marriages to include more than two partners, and seen that thrive. But for us, for the life we have now, the vessel of my marriage is a space I share with Martin alone. It’s a container strong and flexible enough to support the rich lives we share with our varied interests, beloved partners, wonderful family and many friends.
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