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I’m Sierra. I live in the Boston area with my family.

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Feeling A Bit Restless

by Sierra on April 12, 2011 · 10 comments

in Uncategorized

I’ve been home from California for about a month, and I’m running into an odd problem: I’m bored.

I’ve got my house in order. My marriage has come through its long dark tea-time of the soul stronger than ever. Not perfect, mind you, but steady, sure and sweet. My husband and I are happy together, and the memory of recent turmoil just makes the peace we’re enjoying now sweeter.

My kids are doing great: they’re both thriving at school, growing and learning and connecting with friends. Rio’s learning piano, and reading like mad. Today I had to take a book away from her because she was walking down the street with her nose in it and I didn’t want her to bump into people. That’s my girl.

Our home routines are all set: breakfast, prep for school, leave, coming home, snacks, play, dinner, homework, reading, bath, bed. Wash, rinse, repeat. We’ve worked hard for nearly seven years to get them running smoothly, and now they flow so well I don’t even have to pay attention to them. Thank all that’s holy, because struggling with our daily routines sucked.

Work was a struggle for me last month, but this month it’s been steady and happy. I’m in flow with my writing, doing good work with less effort than I normally have to expend for merely acceptable work. It’s like I sit down at my desk and it just happens, the way it does in daydreams, not like real life.

My friends are, for the most part, whole and well and happy. I miss my best friend so much I cry about it sometimes. I also laugh and pretend she’s here with me sometimes, and sometimes write her letters and sometimes just pause for a moment to think about her and her family and their new adventures on the left coast. So I’m lonely for her, but my days and evenings are also full of friendship and conversation and grown-up playtime with the many wonderful friends I still have close to me.

I have some exciting new hobbies, too. I’ve been able to pick up knitting again, and have done so with a vengeance. I’ve also taken up yoga and rock climbing and gotten back into running. I’m exercising almost every day. My body feels great, and it calms my mind as well. On days when I don’t exercise I’ve been pretty solid at sitting meditation. My mindfulness practice is really thriving.

Yet I feel restless.

This is possibly the most extremely privileged first world problem I have ever had. I’m healthy after months of physical and mental unwellness. I’m happy after a long period of marital strife and existential angst. I’m stable and secure in my home, my job, my relationships, my family and my self. I’m incredibly grateful for where I’m at, and writing it out has made me awash in gratitude all over again because, damn, I really have it pretty good.

But gradually this gnawing feeling has crept up on me. It’s like the spiritual equivalent of feeling a bit peckish. I don’t know quite what I want, and I should be full, but somehow I feel just a tad hungry. Where hungry is really bored, because it’s not food I want, it’s experience.

I don’t really have a lot of free time, and most of it is in odd chunks late at night or unpredictably at mid-day. If I had steady time free, I’d be looking for volunteer work to feed this restless hunger. As it is, I’m not sure I can commit to that and I don’t quite know what to do.

What am I missing? Do I just breathe through this and contentment follows? Maybe this odd restlessness is part of what happiness feels like. Or maybe it’s time for me to nibble on something new in my life: start a book project, learn a new skill, nurture a new friendship.

Have you ever felt this kind of restless hunger in the midst of happiness? What did you do about it?

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  • http://twitter.com/edgetocenter Sarah Twichell

    I’ve definitely been there, and as much as I hate to say it, I feel like I have this problem for the same reasons that most first-world people do: a disconnect between my head and my heart. I spent a lot of time dismissing the idea that this could be the case because (as I know is true for you, too) I spend a lot of time trying to make sure that I’m living my values and that my heart is on board with my plans, and I’m pretty sure that all of that effort does work. But I’ve come to believe that doing that work and lining up the big parts of my life with my values has made me sensitive to smaller disconnects and inconsistencies. I’m still working on cultivating gratitude for this :)

    I also find that I sometimes just get into the habit of discontent during a difficult period, and that if I investigate closely, it turns out that I’m being unhappy out of habit rather than out of actual unmet desire. Dear sneaky brain: please stop sneaking!

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    Sierra Reply:
    April 13th, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Thanks for this, Sarah.

    I think for me what I’m feeling is the absence of a goal. I don’t have any big problem to solve or challenge to overcome, and I’m used to having those in my life. It may be that what’s called for now is simply shifting gears and learning how to live with contentment and abundance, or it may be that there’s really space in my life for a new goal, and I’m just waiting for something I’m passionate about to arise.

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  • Calshana

    I feel like this every time life gets calm. You’re not alone! Instead of getting stuck in the happy/awkward/bored stage, I now channel my energy into some new task/goal otherwise I just end up getting lazy. Generally, I go back and look at my bucket list and just pick something new to do or else I pull something from my list of things to do with the kids and plan something fun (picnic on the beach, art/cooking projects, etc) and that gets me happy and less bored.

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    Sierra Reply:
    April 13th, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It’s good to know other people feel this. Maybe it’s time I actually wrote out a bucket list instead of carrying one around in my head.

    I’m weighing, for myself, the need to have a new passion, project or goal against the need to learn to live well without a driving goal. I may need to do a bit of both.

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  • http://profiles.google.com/ruby.rubric Ruby Rubric

    Sierra, I’ve been a reader of your blog for about 6 months and I really appreciate your gifts of awareness and articulation — you are so good at communicating what you see and feel! I always look forward to the days when you have a new post.

    I wanted to offer a little different perspective on the restlessness inside you. As you suggest, I also believe this restlessness is inside many of us, especially those that actively cultivate an awareness of ourselves and our universe. Inside me, this restlessness takes the form of a tiger. Strong, beautiful, wild, but not rational or logical or pacified by all the things I tell myself to try to survive this world healthy and happy.

    To me, the tiger is the last remaining part of the wildness that birthed us — humanity and all life on this planet — into being. The tiger speaks the language of the wild and will not be contented by the stories we tell ourselves as we live out our little patterns that are ultimately tangled up in the larger human patterns that threaten to unravel the entire balance of life.

    The tiger, the restlessness, sees all these things and will not lay down and be satisfied with a stable income, our well-educated kids, and a well-tended marriage. The tiger reminds us that we have to actively connect to the wild that remains in us so that we can relearn the patterns of balance that must exist among all species of life if we are to survive.

    You are a witch, Sierra. Your entire blog is dedicated your awareness of the wild in the micro-patterns of your life. I would urge you not to distract yourself with new projects or meditate yourself into forced acceptance of peace, but to embrace the wild. Use your magic to evoke your power-from-within — grab hold of that restless energy to strengthen your ability to break the spell of estrangement, dismemberment, disconnection that keeps us from knowing how to create a healthy, integrated, whole world.

    Looking through the tiger’s eyes, we can all see the mystery and magic in the ordinary. We can reconnect through the language of magic — poetry, metaphor, ritual, myth, symbol. Tap into our erotic motivations that drive us to experience deep connection in shared pleasure. And grow our ability to change consciousness and bend reality.

    Each of us are only partially aware just how deeply connected we are to all of life. And the tiger — your restlessness — reminds us that we are each capable of so much more. Embrace it and use it to pull you into a deeper connection to the people and life all around you.

    Let us all use our early awareness of the restlessness to take action. But we must remember that we cannot control the wild. Embracing the wild within us means we must be prepared to use all we know about directing energy to create connection — the ultimate act of resistance which not only has the power to heal ourselves, but the entire world.

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  • Katy

    You haven’t mentioned much about a “divine” or “God” in your posts. It is my belief that we are not living this life for ourselves, or our kids but entirely for what is much bigger than ourselves. For me, as a christian, it is God. All I do should bring glory to Him and honor His plan for my life. For you, as a Wiccan (sp?) is it the earth, or all of nature? I think your restlessness may be your divine nudging you to give it all back. Give back all of your successes and failures, give it all up to what is Holy and seek out what the bigger plan is for your life. If one feels like this life is entirely ones own, that disconnect can grow into a consuming discontentment. We are all one, under one Divine, make sure you are still plugged in.

    [Reply]

    Sierra Reply:
    April 18th, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Thanks for that reminder of the divine. I do have a vivid relationship with the divine, but I haven’t been expressing that through giving back as much as I could.

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  • Kate Calder

     I saw you mention rock climbing over at GetRichSlowly, and reading this post makes me giggle and think you’ve gotten the bug!  I’m sure restlessness for you is probably sometime larger or more meaningful, but for me, when I started climbing, it was like an itch that needed scratching all of the time.  You should try the sport outside, it is a wonderful, enlightening, beautiful experience.  

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  • http://littlehousesouthernprairie.wordpress.com Emily on the Prairie

    I think creative, ambitious women in particular are sold this idea that we should be challenged all the time. That a constant sense of progress or momentum in our lives means everything is “good.” I feel this way sometimes. Lately, though, I’ve come to appreciate spells of boredom or restlessness. Rather than questioning it or trying to explain it or flee it asap, why not wallow in it for a little while longer than is comfortable — doing this almost always means a spell of great creativity will follow. I now think restlessness is a great gift because it forces us to look at things differently.

    [Reply]

    Sierra Reply:
    May 19th, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Wallowing is a great word for what I’ve been doing! I feel sometimes like I’m holding my breath a little, waiting for what will grow in the fertile soil of my life.

    - s

    [Reply]

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