The gratitude project has flown by, and is coming into its home stretch. Rather than writing about my gratitude here every day as I’d planned (and usually do), I’ve found myself lulled into almost complete silence by a season on introspection.
Introspection which has not, to put it mildly, been centered on gratitude for the good things in my life. Rather I’ve been in the grip of the Tarot’s Moon, gazing into deep, shadowy waters, pulling up from the muck things which were hidden in my life, my mind, my heart. The bright and beautiful parts of my life receded while the usually hidden things came into sharp clear focus.
Often, when we hide things, its for good reason. They’re ugly, or frightening, or mad. The hidden things in my self were like that: not obviously lost treasures. More like skeletons in closets I didn’t know I had.
A lot of the time in Maine, I felt like I was going mad. But in a healthy way, like a controlled burn that prevents a larger forest fire.
Then that season was over, and I came home. I’m grateful for my home, my marriage, my family & friends. All these nets of love that hold me even when I’m mad and strange and looking at the moon.
I want to pretend this post is the triumphant end of that strange dark spell, but it’s not. A few of the dark things I’ve dredge up from my psyche have been polished up and proven themselves made of gold: better, more honest communication with my husband, a clearer sense of self, stronger relationships with my kids.
The work’s not over though. The days since we came home have been hard and getting harder. Sometimes I’m so tired I just want to throw in the towel, run away to live on the beach in Mexico with my laptop and a dog. I don’t even like dogs, but at least a dog won’t keep me up all night talking about his feelings.
I think I wanted to wait to say anything here about the emotional turmoil I’ve been going through until the storm had passed. I’d rather be inspirational than whiny and lost. But someone today posted a sweet review of my blog on Twitter, calling it “honest”. For the past seven years it has been. There’s no reason to breach that now just because I have *gasp* readers.
So there you go: it sucks inside my head, and not only because my week is made of pure logistical hassles. I’m going through some kind of sea change, with my Self trying to change to catch up with this beautiful new life I’ve made for me. The fact that it’s all good change doesn’t make it easy. I could use a hug, and I think I’ll go get one now.
It’s been nice chatting with you, Internets. See you tomorrow.