Awhile back, Rio wanted to go play at a friend’s house. Let’s call this friend X. I was lying in bed with the covers over my head pretending to be asleep while she negotiated this with her dad.
He was trying to persuade her to have her friend over at our house instead of going over there, because he thought the other kid’s parents would prefer that arrangement. She was insisting on going to her friend’s house. I figured they must have cable TV or an endless supply of cookies, but didn’t want to blow my “I’m asleep” cover by saying so.
Finally, Rio said, “Look, I have something extremely important to do at X’s house. It’s half a secret and half not a secret and I am just going to have to tell you what it is.”
She heaves a huge sigh.
“It is…NAKED SEX WITH BARBIES. And styling their hair.”
I bet you can guess which half was a secret.
Now, I remember being five, and having a collection of Barbie dolls, so I don’t think this is all that unusual. I was, of course, shocked to hear that my own sweet innocent baby would abuse her dolls the way I did mine, but I sat up in bed and said, “Oh sure, sometimes that’s a very important game to play when you’re five.”
Her dad took her to her playdate, and I didn’t hear anything else about it for awhile.
Then one day I picked her up from the same friend’s house, and she volunteered, “We played mostly in the bathroom.”
“What did you play?”
“Well, I’m not supposed to tell you.”
“You can tell me anything.”
“We played Naked Sex With Barbies.”
“Who was naked, you or the Barbies?”
Rio looks horrified. “THE BARBIES”
“What do Barbies do when they have naked sex?”
“Well, they were rummaging around, and being mean to each other and at the end there was a big tornado.”
um…I see she has a handle on this one. I peeked into a few parenting manuals that night and they all seemed to think this is normal healthy behavior, so I let it go without further comment.
Fast forward to today. I’m listening to “I Kissed A Girl” by Jill Sobule.
Rio, hearing it, says, “OH! I need to make a copy of this song, and give it to X !”
I am, honestly, not paying a lot of attention. I’m in the middle of hour four of toddler nursing and trying to peel the baby off my chest without setting off a five-alarm tantrum.
“Sure, whatever,” I say. Toddler digs into breast with both hands, really hooking her fingers in. Tears spring to my eyes, along with the thought, “Why doesn’t this hurt more?” because seriously, she is trying to burrow into my soft tissue with her sharp nails. Like a vole.
“Do you know why, Mama?”
“What?”
“Why I need to give this song to X?”
“um…what song? Wait? This song? Are you sure your friend would like this song?”
“YES! Because she really likes sex stuff. I didn’t used to. I used to only like princesses. But then she taught me how to like sex things. I still like princesses, though.”
Rio pauses for breath and we both look at the naked princess doll in her hand.
“Actually, they’re kind of connected,” she says. “In my head.”
“Sex and princesses?” I say.
“Yes. So I want to give this song to X to say thank you because she taught me to like sexy things. And it has the words “I kissed a girl” in it.”
“Right. That makes sense,” this would be me stalling for time, still trying to peel toddler off boob so I can have my meager brain back. Also, why do I have to be half-naked while having this conversation?
I try again, “Did you kiss a girl? Maybe X?”
“NO! …but the princesses kiss each other.”
“OK.”
She plays with her naked Barbie. I finally detach her sister and pull my shirt down. Finally.
“Mama, should I not kiss a girl?”
“Not in a sexy way. That’s really grown-up stuff. It’s OK to think about sex when you’re a kid, and to touch your own body when you’re alone in a private place. And you can talk to your friends about it. But you shouldn’t touch other people in a sexy way until you grow up.”
“Is it OK to play sex games?”
First thought: No. Second thought: who am I kidding? I remember being five and having a Barbie doll. Third thought: I am the luckiest parent in the world because my kid is talking to me about this. Do not make her want to stop doing that. Fourth: WHAT SEX GAMES? YOU’RE FIVE. WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
Outside voice: “That depends a lot on what the games are. Do they feel good to you, or scary?”
“GOOD!”
“Do you play them with kids or with grown-ups?”
Rio gives me the ‘what-are-you-stupid?’ face. “Kids.”
“Great. That sounds OK. As long as you’re a kid, you can only ever play any kind of sex game with other kids. Never, ever play that way with a grown-up. That’s a very important rule. And for your whole life, never play a sex game that doesn’t feel good to you. If it’s scary, say no and tell an adult you trust. And don’t ever try to make another kid play that kind of game with you. That’s not OK. You understand?”
Rio, “Sure. Look! Here’s Snow White’s dress.”
THANK FUCKING GOD. WHERE HAS THAT DRESS BEEN ALL MY LIFE? QUICK, LET’S DRESS THE PRINCESSES AND LISTEN TO SOME RAFFI.
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