Comments on: Solving a spitting problem http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/ embracing the wild heart of parenting Thu, 17 May 2012 15:44:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Sierra http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-3612 Sierra Thu, 17 May 2012 15:44:00 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-3612 Thank you! I haven't read those books, but I'll look into them. Thank you! I haven’t read those books, but I’ll look into them.

]]> By: Alice http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-3611 Alice Thu, 17 May 2012 11:37:00 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-3611 Beautiful story Sierra. So REAL. Made me laugh and cry! Do you know the work of  Robin Grille? He writes about letting children know your real feelings (in a moderated age-suitable dose as best we can) because they need to find the real you. Also he talks about "repair"  - what we do to reconnect our hearts when we don't get the expression of our feelings quite as moderate as we aim to!  I reckon you did that with the snuggle on the couch etc.  I think your story is a perfect example of that "theory" being put into practice, in the messiness of real life. By the way I'm a grandmother in my 60's in Australia - found your lovely site when I looked for a review of Mindsight by Dan Siegel. What a life-changing book that is. Robin Grille's books are similarly transformational for me. Alice Aird, www.lifeenergycoaching.com.au www.empathyfoundation.ning.com Beautiful story Sierra. So REAL. Made me laugh and cry!
Do you know the work of  Robin Grille? He writes about letting children know your real feelings (in a moderated age-suitable dose as best we can) because they need to find the real you. Also he talks about “repair”  – what we do to reconnect our hearts when we don’t get the expression of our feelings quite as moderate as we aim to!  I reckon you did that with the snuggle on the couch etc.  I think your story is a perfect example of that “theory” being put into practice, in the messiness of real life.

By the way I’m a grandmother in my 60′s in Australia – found your lovely site when I looked for a review of Mindsight by Dan Siegel. What a life-changing book that is. Robin Grille’s books are similarly transformational for me.

Alice Aird, http://www.lifeenergycoaching.com.au
http://www.empathyfoundation.ning.com

]]> By: Sierra http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-557 Sierra Tue, 01 Sep 2009 20:42:10 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-557 Rich, I'm just getting back to this after being away from my desk for a week, but I wanted to say my kids do the exact same thing. I've never had any luck fighting them once they're in full tantrum mode. What I do is try to identify the kids' real need: is she hungry, tired, cold, thirsty, scared? I address that and just ignore what she's shouting about. She'll get more frustrated briefly but then calm down once her body is taken care of. I think I got that trick from Mary Kurshinka Sheedy's Spirited Child book, which is my parenting bible. Rich, I’m just getting back to this after being away from my desk for a week, but I wanted to say my kids do the exact same thing. I’ve never had any luck fighting them once they’re in full tantrum mode. What I do is try to identify the kids’ real need: is she hungry, tired, cold, thirsty, scared? I address that and just ignore what she’s shouting about. She’ll get more frustrated briefly but then calm down once her body is taken care of.

I think I got that trick from Mary Kurshinka Sheedy’s Spirited Child book, which is my parenting bible.

]]> By: Sierra http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-2663 Sierra Tue, 01 Sep 2009 20:42:00 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-2663 Rich, I'm just getting back to this after being away from my desk for a week, but I wanted to say my kids do the exact same thing. I've never had any luck fighting them once they're in full tantrum mode. What I do is try to identify the kids' real need: is she hungry, tired, cold, thirsty, scared? I address that and just ignore what she's shouting about. She'll get more frustrated briefly but then calm down once her body is taken care of. I think I got that trick from Mary Kurshinka Sheedy's Spirited Child book, which is my parenting bible. Rich, I’m just getting back to this after being away from my desk for a week, but I wanted to say my kids do the exact same thing. I’ve never had any luck fighting them once they’re in full tantrum mode. What I do is try to identify the kids’ real need: is she hungry, tired, cold, thirsty, scared? I address that and just ignore what she’s shouting about. She’ll get more frustrated briefly but then calm down once her body is taken care of.

I think I got that trick from Mary Kurshinka Sheedy’s Spirited Child book, which is my parenting bible.

]]> By: Rich Wilson http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-538 Rich Wilson Sun, 23 Aug 2009 07:11:15 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-538 @Sierra There are times when my son is extremely frustrated (usually tired) and we're trying to figure out what he wants, but whatever he says (or screams) he wants, he doesn't want once he has it. I think the actual need is to win a battle. If we give him whatever he dreams up, he hasn't struggled for it. He wants to take us on and win. In that moment it's hard to try to come up with something for him to win, but that's my theory anyway. @Sierra

There are times when my son is extremely frustrated (usually tired) and we’re trying to figure out what he wants, but whatever he says (or screams) he wants, he doesn’t want once he has it. I think the actual need is to win a battle. If we give him whatever he dreams up, he hasn’t struggled for it. He wants to take us on and win. In that moment it’s hard to try to come up with something for him to win, but that’s my theory anyway.

]]> By: Rich Wilson http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-2662 Rich Wilson Sun, 23 Aug 2009 07:11:00 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-2662 @Sierra There are times when my son is extremely frustrated (usually tired) and we're trying to figure out what he wants, but whatever he says (or screams) he wants, he doesn't want once he has it. I think the actual need is to win a battle. If we give him whatever he dreams up, he hasn't struggled for it. He wants to take us on and win. In that moment it's hard to try to come up with something for him to win, but that's my theory anyway. @Sierra

There are times when my son is extremely frustrated (usually tired) and we’re trying to figure out what he wants, but whatever he says (or screams) he wants, he doesn’t want once he has it. I think the actual need is to win a battle. If we give him whatever he dreams up, he hasn’t struggled for it. He wants to take us on and win. In that moment it’s hard to try to come up with something for him to win, but that’s my theory anyway.

]]> By: Sierra http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-535 Sierra Thu, 20 Aug 2009 18:31:55 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-535 @Ellen: It's interesting that you mention the option of modeling, 'You hurt and upset me, but I'm going to be nice to you anyway.' Rio and I are not often in conflict these days, but a technique that has worked well in the past has been for me to say, "Wow that made me so angry I just want to yell and scream and throw things, but instead I am using words to tell you I'm mad." @Ellen: It’s interesting that you mention the option of modeling, ‘You hurt and upset me, but I’m going to be nice to you anyway.’ Rio and I are not often in conflict these days, but a technique that has worked well in the past has been for me to say, “Wow that made me so angry I just want to yell and scream and throw things, but instead I am using words to tell you I’m mad.”

]]> By: Sierra http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-2661 Sierra Thu, 20 Aug 2009 18:31:00 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-2661 @Ellen: It's interesting that you mention the option of modeling, 'You hurt and upset me, but I'm going to be nice to you anyway.' Rio and I are not often in conflict these days, but a technique that has worked well in the past has been for me to say, "Wow that made me so angry I just want to yell and scream and throw things, but instead I am using words to tell you I'm mad." @Ellen: It’s interesting that you mention the option of modeling, ‘You hurt and upset me, but I’m going to be nice to you anyway.’ Rio and I are not often in conflict these days, but a technique that has worked well in the past has been for me to say, “Wow that made me so angry I just want to yell and scream and throw things, but instead I am using words to tell you I’m mad.”

]]> By: Ellen http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-534 Ellen Thu, 20 Aug 2009 16:58:23 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-534 I'm afraid I'm with Rosa on this one. I agree with you that hitting is not an appropriate way to show anger, but I personally don't feel swallowing it and *not* losing your temper is stellar parenting, either. I think that at least in our family, modeling "you hurt and upset me, but I'm going to be nice to you anyway" might be a recipe for creating manipulative children who either lack awareness of or fail to care about the consequences of their actions on the people around them. :/ I'm glad that what you did worked for you and Rio, though. I’m afraid I’m with Rosa on this one. I agree with you that hitting is not an appropriate way to show anger, but I personally don’t feel swallowing it and *not* losing your temper is stellar parenting, either. I think that at least in our family, modeling “you hurt and upset me, but I’m going to be nice to you anyway” might be a recipe for creating manipulative children who either lack awareness of or fail to care about the consequences of their actions on the people around them. :/

I’m glad that what you did worked for you and Rio, though.

]]> By: Ellen http://childwild.com/2009/08/19/solving-a-spitting-problem/comment-page-1/#comment-2660 Ellen Thu, 20 Aug 2009 16:58:00 +0000 http://childwild.com/?p=2577#comment-2660 I'm afraid I'm with Rosa on this one. I agree with you that hitting is not an appropriate way to show anger, but I personally don't feel swallowing it and *not* losing your temper is stellar parenting, either. I think that at least in our family, modeling "you hurt and upset me, but I'm going to be nice to you anyway" might be a recipe for creating manipulative children who either lack awareness of or fail to care about the consequences of their actions on the people around them. :/ I'm glad that what you did worked for you and Rio, though. I’m afraid I’m with Rosa on this one. I agree with you that hitting is not an appropriate way to show anger, but I personally don’t feel swallowing it and *not* losing your temper is stellar parenting, either. I think that at least in our family, modeling “you hurt and upset me, but I’m going to be nice to you anyway” might be a recipe for creating manipulative children who either lack awareness of or fail to care about the consequences of their actions on the people around them. :/

I’m glad that what you did worked for you and Rio, though.

]]>