my brain is mush. i wake up every three hours. i’m exhausted all the time. all the time i’m not asleep, which is not very often. bloated. muscle pains. abdominal pains. acute pain on full moon (implantation?). headaches. thirsty. dry, itchy skin. peeing a lot. dry, itchy eyes. normal appetite. very emotional. positive pregnancy test (two). supportive, loving family.
This is the list I made for the doctor, but it doesn’t cover half of it. I’m exhausted. I feel stupid. My brain is all jumbled. My abdomen’s swollen and sore. My pants already don’t fit — i didn’t think I was supposed to gain weight this early. Martin says the baby is the size of a full stop at the end of a sentence. Why don’t my pants fit????
I’ve got a few blessed hours alone tonight. Last night and part of today were this whirlwind of making the Big Announcement. I think I’ve repeated the phrase, “I’m pregnant” enough times that I’m starting to believe myself. Which is a good thing.
Ate a lot of good food. Food rocks socks. No nausea yet, for which I am grateful. Fascinated by my body at this point.
Lonely hours both a blessing and a curse. I know how to use my time well, and each minute I’m spending at this computer is like a touch of cool water. But the blank time also gives me time to fret. To make dark fantasies. no use for that nonsense now.
My mother and Martin have been godsend’s. I’m pretty awesome myself — I’ve been very relaxed, very self-assured. I’m liking this in myself. I’m acutely aware of how lucky I am — resolved to donate the cost of an abortion to a family planning clinic, acting as if I were the shadow woman whose situation is similar to mine but whose circumstances are slightly different, and for whom the news of a surprise pregnancy would be a crisis, not a celebration.
my shoulders hurt. my everything hurts.